It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
