i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
whose ass print is on the piano?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
