and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
