my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
