I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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