i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
