She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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