he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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