I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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