you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
