new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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