Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
How's work?
Spinning.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
