why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
