I cockslap morals
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
