halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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