i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
