nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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