he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
