I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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