Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
the raccoons are back...
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