Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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