I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
