Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
