he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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