Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
