Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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