i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
