Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Semen is not good for contacts.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
