I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
