everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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