Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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