Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
