my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
