Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
