I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
