no, he came in my armpit
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The adults are the big ones right?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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