Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
