you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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