i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
