ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
