did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
