I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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