Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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