It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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