I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We don't watch enough power rangers
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You ate ashes out of my bong
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
