if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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