Just fell off a train. Bad.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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