We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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