yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
