He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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