WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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