white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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