Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
