I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
