then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
