why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
