does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
