My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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